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arreglarlo es de lo mas simple.
pero nadie lo quiere hacer.
nadie se preocupa en arreglar las cosas.
todo es desechable, eh? compremos uno nuevo!
solo yo grito "no!"
pero me siento igual al arbol en el bosque que nadie oye caer.

it stinks.

my eyes open and i check the clock. it's early for a sunday, and late for already having slept my entire saturday. i think of her. in her world, she's asleep. she'll be up in a few minutes.
damnit. why does she have to be the first thing i'm thinking about? stop already.

the tension this day is unbearable.
i load a bowl and step outside.

every day i'm waking up to this intense feeling near my heart. some days less, some days more. some days i try to figure out what it wants to tell me. sometimes i want to go have it checked out, but what does it matter, really?

it's never mattered to be better, faster, or smarter. i am never enough.

i am friendless.
i am hopeless.

i am struggling for no reason.

not better plans

i feel like i've much to say. can't seem to get it out though.
started thinking about this past week.
i've been riding my bicycle around.

wed - 0 miles. called into work sick, slept the whole day.
thu - 30 miles, test ride for tour de toob
fri - 3 miles...happy first friday!
sat - 0 miles, had le vitus with me...just no time.
sun - 38 miles...tour de toob! from blue star to the comal river
mon - 20 miles...missions monday + boneshakers to the alamo to parking
tues - 0 miles...crashed out after work. woke up at 130am on wednesday


there's not much for me but to keep riding.

the strangest thing

"i'm familiar with that street", i told him.
i couldn't believe it. i punched in the address on my phone and cruised on auto-pilot.
i never expected to be cruising these streets again. i no longer had a reason to, after all.
when the phone told me to turn left, then a right...i remembered that day i heard her give me those same instructions. we chatted the last time i was on this straightaway.

i tried not to think of it.
i pushed it to the back of my mind until i got to my friend's house.
i simply HAD to look it up.
i hit the "view older messages" link and started to fast forward.
it WAS that street. a block and a half...a block and a f*(&@n half.

i tried my best to push it to the back of my mind. i enjoyed the company of my friend.
when it came time to leave, i made sure to head in the opposite direction of that place.

as fate would have it, i saw her parents. i waved...only to be unseen or ignored.
i suspect that would've been her reaction too.

i wanted to tell her. i wanted to call. i wanted to text. i even considered thinking about it until she responded. i didn't bother though. i can't be daydreaming that i mean anything to her. i don't.

i should have gone to sleep.

i should have taken that advice tonight. it's a joke, kinda. it's a quote. go to sleep.

i pedaled from la tuna to 1604 and nacogdoches tonight with 6 other people... a girl ride, actually...where the girls outnumbered the guys. no, this was not the start of some magical turnaround in my life. all of them taken...BUT i must say i'm glad to know they exist.

30 miles. it's nothing, really.

anyway, it was fun tonight...even if life is pretty shitty right now.