por supuesto

of course this would happen. it doesn't make any difference to me. in fact, things might just be much better now. i picture us wandering the empty streets, and it brings a smile...a smile that fades quickly when i realize you are just a fair-weather friend.
i won't make a fuss. you could use my umbrella (that can cover two). you could wear a poncho just as easily as i will wear my raincoat. that would be...just too easy.

the invisible wound

in a way i am glad she was the first to realize. then again, maybe that's just me hopelessly trying to hold on to a bit of hope. i explained the short way. i imagine it was understood that there was a long version. it shouldn't matter.

it's been difficult. there are constant little reminders everywhere. there are constant big reminders everywhere. the world spins just the same, with no consideration for this petty problem. definitely frustrating.

anywho, time to fall asleep.

how DO you mend a broken heart?

the man who sang those words is dead now. i wonder if he ever found out.
maybe it wasn't meant to be mended. maybe it was meant to gush and bleed like that oil spill in the gulf of mexico...months and months...polluting and contaminating life, ruining it for the foreseeable future.

everyone will have their theories. distraction. replacement.

maybe there just is no mending it.
maybe it just becomes what it becomes.

Dreams

Tonight i watched what is titled Akira Kurosawa's Dreams on netflix. I have been watching the foreign films category lately. A few months ago, at the start of a monthly ride, a fellow cyclist was talking about music in spanish. He does not know spanish, but he said he likes to hear it because he enjoys the music and it helps clear his mind even if he doesn't understand. Maybe that's why i like listening to radio stations from India on the web sometimes? At any rate, i am in agreement with this idea, and have applied it to movies lately.

Tonight's was a random pick. The movie is a collection of 8 short films based on the dreams of the filmmaker. The film(s) are very much how dreams occur for me: they don't always completely follow logic and yet there is almost always some sort of message or meaning. For this film, the dreams all relate to the interaction of man and the environment. There are some great messages in these dreams. It saddens me that this was made in 1990...and twenty years later it is still very relevant.

This dream was among my favourite. The ending reminded me of how man is attempting to deal with the oil spill in the gulf of mexico. The dream is titled "Mt. Fuji in Red". It runs towards the end of the series of dreams.

i would not survive

lately i have been sleeping quite a lot. i come home wanting to nap, and unless there is any particular reason to wake up i often just stay asleep. i don't know if that is a bad thing, but my body does tend to react the same way once it starts to get hungry: nightmares. tonight's nightmare was not all that scary, but it did get me thinking.

i don't suspect there would ever be a zombie apocalypse, but i did get to wondering what would happen if anything with an electronic circuit failed...citywide...or even country wide? we are so dependent on this sort of thing that it is a bit of a scary thought for me, because it is more feasible. if some sort of interference prevented me from driving my car, from keeping food cold in the fridge, from getting money at the atm...what would i do?

for the time being, getting around on bicycle would be fine by me, but what about all those other things that rely on electricity? and what if the power NEVER came back? so many of us are used to this modern world. we would probably fare alright in the short term...but me...i'm always concerned with the long run.

it would be a giant step back into a crazy world. i would not survive.

À la folie... pas du tout

i just finished watching À la folie... pas du tout starring Audrey Tautou. I am pretty much inclined to watch anything with her. I like watching movies in french. I like reading subtitles in italian or french and knowing that i would have translated to english differently than in the subtitles on the screen.

overall i enjoyed it. i find it interesting that different points of view to the same events can be so drastically different. we're all floatin' along with different points of view.

tonight was an audrey double feature. i also watched Le Battement d'ailes du papillon...and to make it short, yes it is crazy how so many little things have the cause and effect later on. all these little things have such an impact. crazy.

i am ready to crash out now, but would recommend these movies on a day you feel like watching movies but can't decide.

encounters at the end of the world

the other night i decided to knock out some of the movies from my netflix queue. i was in a documentary sort of mood, and first watched about the giant manmade barriers "protecting" the sinking Netherlands . i find it interesting to see how man toots his own horn about overcoming nature. we ain't got shit when it comes down to it.

at any rate, afterwards i watched a documentary about antarctica. at this point i feel like i will never be able to visit because i am not a scientist or good enough at anything to go.

one portion of the documentary that caught my interest was a quick focus on some penguins. the guy asked about penguins going insane, and it seemed a strange choice of words for penguins.
they focused on a group of penguins, waddling away from the nesting grounds towards the sea. halfway there some decide to head back, while others march on towards the sea. a lone penguin halts. he seems motionless for some time, and then makes a break for the mountains. it is unknown why, but at 5000 km away it is pretty much a given he will not survive. even if he did...what would he do?

i found it interesting that none of the other penguins took notice. i also found it interesting that the narrator stated even if they were to drag him back to the group...he would still break off and head for the mountains.

it made me wonder.

tonterias

desconosco las razones. en el momento me trajo una sonrisa. fue tonto de mi parte tomar sus palabras y convertirlas en un poco de esperanza...un poco de luz en tiempos oscuros. realmente no se si se burlaba de mi al decirme que todo iba salir bien....todo iba salir bien mientras nos quedaramos juntos.

quiero que se vayan esas palabras. quiero recordar como fue sentirse bien algun tiempo. ya no quiero escuchar mas mentiras.

dicen que la verdad duele. para mi que duele mas la mentira.

the last time

i remember it clearly. frankly, it is one of those times i wish my memory would fail me. my heart cried and my body moaned, but nothing i could do would turn back time. she was dead. it didn't matter how much it hurt, or how much i moaned...nothing was going to bring her back. i remember it all too clearly, and tonight felt very much the same way.

it was not that long ago, and now that i think of it, i'm not too sure my heart has ever recovered. it has cried....to friends and to strangers alike. it keeps crying...but i don't think anyone ever hears it.

tonight it started all over again. she is right there, but no matter how good a friend, she might as well be dead. my heart and my eyes sob right in front...RIGHT IN FRONT...and all she can talk about is...

2 forward, 1 back

i don't know what to tell you. i'm not sure what to do.
you really do confuse me. your actions tell me you don't care. they've been telling me you don't care. why do you pretend to care now? why don't you just seize the day...seize the moment...i've gone and given you the perfect chance to quit without the messes (at least for you). why don't you just let me go? what's the point in delaying it?

there is still that small part of me that dreams. i am, however, beat.

i sit in bed with a hand on my heart. it is not beating right, yet i like to pretend that somehow if i just focus right i can get it back to normal. after these months of it hurting and years of it not beating right...well, i know it is just a stupid thing to do. i'd love to believe it is all in the mind, but maybe with the heart there is no such power. ugh. this isn't helping.

please help me go.

que dia es?

hay tanto que te quiero contar...hasta que recuerdo que ya no estas.
la verdad es que me esta haciendo muy dificil esta despedida.
dia tras dia tengo que frenar y recordar que ya no tiene caso prestar las cosas contigo.
para estas horas ya ni se si en algun tiempo valio la pena. se me alarga el dia, pero ni modo.
tus gracias y disculpas no tienen ningun significado.

es solamente el segundo paso.
necesito tomar el tercero...pero ando cansado y siento muy pesado los zapatos.

day 1 (night 2)

it's quite hard for me to take this first step. i feel i need to do it, yet i feel like i'm flushing so much time, so many dreams, so much...down the drain. i suppose it is a bit like a bandage that needs to come off. if you rip it off fast or if you slowly peel it off...it is still going to sting. it is still going to hurt.

i wish i knew why it is never right, why it is never enough, why we must always part ways.

i am tired of feeling defective.

i am tired.

t-storm and windy and 26° C

it is storming now. it is a storm the likes of which we haven't seen in years.

i find some comfort in it.
my eyes and my heart are crying this night, and the earth is joining in as well.

what's done is done. part of me still wants to reject it... "there's got to be a way!" it says. it tells me to go enjoy the rain from the comfort of my driver's seat...watch the rain hit the glass of my moon roof while sippin' on a beer and chatting on the phone.

i have no beer though, and noone ever answers their phone.

no. tonight i must tend to my heart and my wounds. i must listen to the rhythm of the falling rain, and start myself off on the path to forgetting.

it'll leave a mark

this gash on my arm...it pales in comparison, really.

i tried.
i went where you would not.
i went how y0u can not.
i wanted to excel past the dumps...out of the slumps...

and now i'll just have yet another reminder.