rough night

tonight was rough.

we met at the alamo, as we do every last friday of the month. i looked for her...amongst all those...all those...fellow bike riders. i knew i wouldn't see her, but still i looked. amongst all those folks. amongst all those riders. amongst all those people. amongst all those...all those....san antonians. i knew before i even got there that she wouldn't be there, but still i looked.

at stop one i met with a friend that is not really a friend. he is more of a cool guy to hang out every once in a blue moon more than a friend. we spoke. we parted. i looked for her.

i split from the pack...lone wolf time. i knew before i took off that i wouldn't see her...but, i looked. past the closed shops. past the open restaurants. past the mobs on the street...i looked, but all i found was the spot where i parked my car.

i looked for her on the highway. i looked for her in the parking lot. i looked for her in the crowd.

i ran into an old friend. it didn't matter much that i didn't remember his full name and he didn't remember mine. it's a small world and apparently we share friendships. we share stories. we share a whole lot...so i gotta tell him, but how? what? where? why?

at this point i am brutally honest. more so than i already am normally. we're catching up after all...and i have always been brutally honest. i have always been me, and it has always been the same. shit...it's even got it's own hashtag now.

drip

i reached out in that moment of darkness, but there was just a wall. there was a tiny bit of residual warmth, but with the light of the new moon it was impossible to say if that was from the sun. i dont remember it being like this before. i want to starve myself now. i want to cut off that which feeds the flow of thoughts. so much to say, always. maybe if i could slim it down there'd be enough time to say it...

or maybe its just not worth saying.

3 a.m.

i keep hoping i can sleep some of it off. i keep falling asleep for hours at a time because...because.

3am has rolled around and i find my mind all over the place. some thoughts stupid, some thoughts smart. most of the brain, but some of the heart.

If a youtube clip plays in a different tab and no one is around to hear it, did it really play? will we meet again before the end of May or just someday?

when the rain comes. i can show you.

i crashed today. when i finally got around to waking up, i was lying naked in bed. what time was it anyway? i fumbled around for my glasses or my phone or something...
3:43 in the morning. i'd been asleep for 9 hours.

i decided to wait for 4:20 before trying to go back to sleep. i put on some shorts to go wait in the car, and before i knew it the time had passed. the rain finally came, though.

it's not just the sound of the rain, y'know. it's the rain.

except now all i can think is that rain will probably have all sorts of oil and acid and crap.

time for more sleep.

scratched record

i need to know how to make it stop.
it's quite difficult, but there's got to be a way.
part of me says...just....go your own way. cold blooded. cold turkey.
most of me does not want to listen to that part of me.
most of me wants to dream on.
most of me wants to think that someday...someday it will pop out and call at ME.
yeah, yeah...
i have tracked it for years now and not so much as a hint of that wish.
what's the point?

i've got to make it stop.
it hasn't stopped since 3rd grade.
please...
stop.

in da club

how the hell did i end up here again? i spent 5 minutes and a dollar on touchtunes, and still no answer. i remember. it was years ago, but i still recall the last time. i'd put in five dollars, picked out all the cool versions of the songs she loved, and it only got me ridiculed. well this time...this time would be different. i picked 1 song. a song for me. a song for us. would she know it?

i returned to the table for my free drink. i must've had some kinda look on my face, some kinda HELP ME coming out of my eyes. my drunken friend asked me how he could help. he said, "tell me what you're looking for...what are you looking for?". I did not answer him.

to be honest, i simply didn't have an answer. i know i am attracted to long, brown hair (curly or straight), but hair does not make the woman. neither does "beauty". i write this now and i still don't really know what i'm typing. maybe i just don't want to type it. it's better off as an ever-changing idea, not something to be stripped out of context and place on a magnet cause it sounds kinda cute.

i thought of my friend when i caught up with her a few nights later. i could've pointed then, even if pointing is the rude thing to do. but hey, if it is too good to be true, then it likely is. pretty, smart, and on a bicycle?! it was too good to be true and i knew not to even try. maybe my 6th sense already knew she was taken. (she was.)

i guess i am a little more hopeful that whatever i'm looking for exists though. probably not though. probably not.

chatterbox

i sat in an oasis of darkness, staring out at the sea of lights. i stared at the sky, backpack as my pillow, wanting to feel drunk and having an unopened beer on hand to help do so. deep down i knew beer wouldn't help though. it was already 6 beers later...was a seventh really going to help?

all i wanted...
all i needed...
was a friendly ear. it was such a beautiful spot. i didn't feel like sharing it with a beer. couldn't there be a friend? one who stayed till the end? guy or girl, it doesn't matter...sometimes deep thought, sometimes chitter chatter.

i went home to sleep, only to be awakened early by this feeling of impending doom. somehow....somehow i just knew. somehow...with no phone or email notifications....somehow....i just knew. i look to my left and my right. there is noone in sight.

rusty

i have something to give you
i just never got the chance
it deals more with friendship
and not so much romance

i guess the time has come and gone
for now i find myself alone
alone, alone...there'll be no meet
alone and pedaling the streets



these rhymes are pretty whack, but i gotta break down the rust. gotta keep writing somehow. publish post or save now?

everyone likes that bike but me

every month, every year...it's all the same.

the parking meters are free on the weekends and after 6. i park on the street that almost shares its name with a girl who has never given me the time of night. the street and I have been cool for almost a year. it's far enough to always have an available meter, and it only takes about 4 or 5 minutes on bike to get to the meet-up spot.

my car and favourite bike is still in the shop. on this night, i'm chose to ride the bike with the least things wrong with it. it also happens to be my least favourite bike. it fits me small, i can't get into the lowest gear, and the seat just ain't quite right. i can smoke a lot of folks stuck in that middle gear, but this is a night for cruising.

it started right away. some guy talking his head off about vintage bikes and how he liked this and that off mine. if he weren't taller than me, i probably would've offered to sell it to him. the night rolled on, and all in all ten people came up and complimented this bike. i wish that would happen on my favourite bike.

anywho, time to go pedal some more.