of the lion

sometimes i wonder how it does it.
sometimes i wonder why it does it.
it could all end...
if it just gave up. just give up!
why do you keep going day in and day out?
why keep going every night?
what's the point?
nobody loves you. nobody feels you. nobody hears you. nobody cares (except maybe one, but that doesn't count).
so...what are you doing?
why do you bother?
give it a rest already.
take a rest from the stress.

the sorrow tomorrow

i've already learned to not be excited.
i already know it will not be as imagined or desired.
i used to chuckle about this ability...
now i just know it and accept it.

deseo que sea mentira la mentira, pero siempre ha sido la verdad.
deseo que sea mentira la mentira, pero solo me crea ansiedad.

deseo que llege algun dia
cuando ya no seguirá siendo fria

lo unico que se es que no sera mañana.

b

i didn't know what i was going to say that night. i never thought it'd be me saying what needed to be said. it wasn't me. it wasn't her. it was us. the combination...well, it just didn't feel right. it lasted way too long and it could not go on.

sometimes i am tempted to miss it. it has been 3 or 4 years now, and i still haven't found what i'm looking for. maybe i am some sort of freak for wanting something a little less physical. i bet it's this crapped out back that makes me want something else.

can't we just...

shoot. nevermind. no cheat sheets.

when the levee breaks

it is the day before earth day 2010. i am pedaling my bike up a hill. no, i am not some sort of environmentalist hippie...i am riding because it helps with my mood at work, and because my car is in the shop getting the transmission replaced. this transmission...apparently only the dealer can work on it and it is designed to fail. that's another blog.

at this point in my life, i am used to pedaling a lot. it does not bother me to get on the shoulder of the highway and have cars pass me at a speed limit of 55 and common limit of 65. my trip to work is 9 miles long. most of it is flat and downhill, but 3 miles or so is uphill. it is a 2-lane road with no shoulder. recently, "land developers" came and built what seems like an endless amount of cookie cutter houses that are designed to fail, too. the road then became a nightmare for motorists. hundreds of families traveling on a 2 lane road that was originally meant to carry vegetables to the market from towns 2o or 30 miles apart.

anyway, there i was, pedaling up the hill like it was nothing. my legs were burning like usual, but this particular day i felt light. maybe it was because the day before i left my shoes so that i'd have one less thing to carry. maybe.

as i pedaled up this hill, suddenly an infamous suv roared past me. it's fumes lingered with me long after it was out of sight. and well, it got me thinking...

do they realize?
will it be too late by the time they realize?
if it keeps on rainin' the levee is gonna break.
when the levee breaks we'll have no place to stay.

i dunno. there was so much flowing and now it is hours later, i am tired. i guess it just often feels like everyone takes it all too lightly. it's not just about the fumes. it's about the lingering. the effects. i just hope it is not too late by the time they realize. unfortunately, i feel it will be.

i don't know why we feel the need to fuck up this planet. but eh, happy 24-hours of Earth Day.

siempre lo mismo

it was a moment straight out of inglorious basterds. y'know...the guy orders 3 , but it slips his mind or he doesn't know and orders with the wrong fingers. such a small detail...such an obvious giveaway. my horrorscope had warned me there would be a moment like it this day. i really wish it had been wrong. she had no idea she gave herself away. i'm sure she had no idea she ruined my day. i must admit, it is a bit confusing. but...there is nothing to be confused about any longer.

i just...
just...
bah.
forget it.

pain.

if you asked me how long it has been, i wouldn't be able to give an honest answer. my guess is that i have felt like this for about 4 or 5 years now. i typically won't complain. what's the point in complaining? it's not like it would make me feel any better.

you may not know this, but living in constant pain sucks. it sucks having to fake your smiles. it sucks that people can never really understand unless they are going through it too. it sucks having to suck it up on top of all the other things that can make life crappy. but, what other choice is there?

gotta just...suck it up.

aberration

i apologize for not answering your calls and texts.
i am pretty sure they are not meant for this guy.
you're trying to reach that guy. he hasn't been around for a while now.
you hadn't noticed? figures.
this guy....THIS guy has his head full of sadness and madness.
you're trying to reach the one full of kindness and blindness.
well...like i said...hasn't been seen in...YEARS now.

so goodbye, good luck, thank you...and don't come again.

can you hear me now?

if i close my eyes i can almost see your killer outfit and murderous smiles.
you were aware, i was awake, and we were out there.

let's end it like that, no?















ob la di, ob la da.

no se puede

i look. i listen. i wait.
"what's the point?", i asked her.
i am glad she could not say. is it funny or sad?
all those people...
all those people...