rough night

tonight was rough.

we met at the alamo, as we do every last friday of the month. i looked for her...amongst all those...all those...fellow bike riders. i knew i wouldn't see her, but still i looked. amongst all those folks. amongst all those riders. amongst all those people. amongst all those...all those....san antonians. i knew before i even got there that she wouldn't be there, but still i looked.

at stop one i met with a friend that is not really a friend. he is more of a cool guy to hang out every once in a blue moon more than a friend. we spoke. we parted. i looked for her.

i split from the pack...lone wolf time. i knew before i took off that i wouldn't see her...but, i looked. past the closed shops. past the open restaurants. past the mobs on the street...i looked, but all i found was the spot where i parked my car.

i looked for her on the highway. i looked for her in the parking lot. i looked for her in the crowd.

i ran into an old friend. it didn't matter much that i didn't remember his full name and he didn't remember mine. it's a small world and apparently we share friendships. we share stories. we share a whole lot...so i gotta tell him, but how? what? where? why?

at this point i am brutally honest. more so than i already am normally. we're catching up after all...and i have always been brutally honest. i have always been me, and it has always been the same. shit...it's even got it's own hashtag now.

drip

i reached out in that moment of darkness, but there was just a wall. there was a tiny bit of residual warmth, but with the light of the new moon it was impossible to say if that was from the sun. i dont remember it being like this before. i want to starve myself now. i want to cut off that which feeds the flow of thoughts. so much to say, always. maybe if i could slim it down there'd be enough time to say it...

or maybe its just not worth saying.

3 a.m.

i keep hoping i can sleep some of it off. i keep falling asleep for hours at a time because...because.

3am has rolled around and i find my mind all over the place. some thoughts stupid, some thoughts smart. most of the brain, but some of the heart.

If a youtube clip plays in a different tab and no one is around to hear it, did it really play? will we meet again before the end of May or just someday?

when the rain comes. i can show you.

i crashed today. when i finally got around to waking up, i was lying naked in bed. what time was it anyway? i fumbled around for my glasses or my phone or something...
3:43 in the morning. i'd been asleep for 9 hours.

i decided to wait for 4:20 before trying to go back to sleep. i put on some shorts to go wait in the car, and before i knew it the time had passed. the rain finally came, though.

it's not just the sound of the rain, y'know. it's the rain.

except now all i can think is that rain will probably have all sorts of oil and acid and crap.

time for more sleep.

scratched record

i need to know how to make it stop.
it's quite difficult, but there's got to be a way.
part of me says...just....go your own way. cold blooded. cold turkey.
most of me does not want to listen to that part of me.
most of me wants to dream on.
most of me wants to think that someday...someday it will pop out and call at ME.
yeah, yeah...
i have tracked it for years now and not so much as a hint of that wish.
what's the point?

i've got to make it stop.
it hasn't stopped since 3rd grade.
please...
stop.