The moon and Jupiter

The moon and Jupiter

Jan 21, 2013

dream 69

i knew it was odd to receive some words after several months. a smile ran across as i read the meaning words, a smile until i realize it was a dream.

i awaken to a pounding heart. i wonder if this is why my timing has been off these days. i'm waking up 2 hours early or 10 minutes late. my clock hasn't quite figured it out yet and it's not much of an excuse no matter how true it be. maybe it's all connected? pumpbumppumpbump...heart, why can't you be normal? pumpbumppumpbump.

i wish i could tell my heart to just chill.
there's no point in getting worked up over nothing.

it stinks.

my eyes open and i check the clock. it's early for a sunday, and late for already having slept my entire saturday. i think of her. in her world, she's asleep. she'll be up in a few minutes.
damnit. why does she have to be the first thing i'm thinking about? stop already.

the tension this day is unbearable.
i load a bowl and step outside.

every day i'm waking up to this intense feeling near my heart. some days less, some days more. some days i try to figure out what it wants to tell me. sometimes i want to go have it checked out, but what does it matter, really?

it's never mattered to be better, faster, or smarter. i am never enough.

i am friendless.
i am hopeless.

i am struggling for no reason.

i should have gone to sleep.

i should have taken that advice tonight. it's a joke, kinda. it's a quote. go to sleep.

i pedaled from la tuna to 1604 and nacogdoches tonight with 6 other people... a girl ride, actually...where the girls outnumbered the guys. no, this was not the start of some magical turnaround in my life. all of them taken...BUT i must say i'm glad to know they exist.

30 miles. it's nothing, really.

anyway, it was fun tonight...even if life is pretty shitty right now.

repeat offender

i don't know why i come here
to watch the cursor blink, maybe...
i come expecting to type
expecting the words to flow, y'know

tonight i must say goodbye somehow
your phone would tell me to check the number that's always yours

meh. i should sleep.

for a moment

...i could see the smile through the keyboard.
for a moment i forgot that i am nothing
i did not hold back
and just let them spill out like before

i don't understand it, y'know
why you bother to say hello
why you bother to remind me that we both like this and this and this
and we both think that and that and that

bleh.

it'll leave a mark

this gash on my arm...it pales in comparison, really.

i tried.
i went where you would not.
i went how y0u can not.
i wanted to excel past the dumps...out of the slumps...

and now i'll just have yet another reminder.