delete it

forgive me if i make a mistake or two. i am typing bind, because i think that is when i type my best. i wouldn't be surprised if my fingers shifted and it was all gibberish. and well, maybe that would be best. this needs to stop. i am driving myself mad for no reason. accept it already. i mean...really accept it. it is not bad. it is what it is.

it has now been over a month since her passing. it has been a month or so...and all i want to do is chill . get away from the bastards in the world and just chill...and chat. i can't seem to chill. and nobody ever answers their phone when i'm in the mood to chat. it is hard to be in that mood. very rare save for a few people...people now deaf or maybe just clueless as to the power of their ears. or maybe they aren't clueless. who knows.

this is not just about a dead cat or some deaf friends...but what it is about...i guess that will wait for another time and place.

remembering...

i remember that night. Michael Jackson. she said...imagine dying and not knowing! i did not have to imagine. i do not have to imagine. i wanted to run out of there that night. i walked out calmly instead. i knew then what i feel now. crazy how attractive people can be so unattractive. is it just me? is it...oh.

most days i am a forgetful person. today i want to forget...

*my amazement the night we met. nobody else has ever gotten that right...
*all the warm & fuzzies when you've said my name...
*lost messages on a lost phone...

i wish i could forget these things and more. my heart would feel better now.

Próxima Estación: Esperanza

i am not sure what's going on with my heart. i've kept track of it for a while now. surely it is not supposed to feel like this for over 420 days?! well, it has. i didn't think so myself, but that's why i've been keeping track.

there's a certain feeling i can't get rid of. every day i wake up thinking...maybe...maybe today it'll be gone. sometimes it is intense...sometimes i feel almost normal. i don't know what it is. maybe it's that broken heart syndrome that is going on around here? my heart does feel broken. my soul has felt broken since...since longer than this blog has existed. so here i am...broken.
so many things wrong. y'know...i think i'll just "save all my words for someone who speaks my language so clear"...



which if history has taught me anything, that is nobody. how great if it were somebody! it has always been nobody...

lately it's been tough to type anything out. i'm barely starting to write things out again. lately i find the best is to write it out, then burn it. maybe i'm just a pyro, but that is one way...guey. maybe it's the only way? meh.

let's try this again.

it's an amateur ride...

...which i guess means I'm an amateur? let me explain.

I have started going on as many group bike rides as i feel motivated to go. lately it has been pretty much daily except for Tuesday (its girls night out in s.a.). Anywho, last week we had this awesome week down here in San Antonio. why? well, it had been pretty darn cool most of the week. this cold front out of nowhere started on the first day of fall, and it was really great to have it feel like autumn. so aside from the cold, we also got quite a bit of rain. i was lovin' it.

Thursday night comes along, and i'm all excited to go riding in wet (but not raining) weather. Thursday's ride has some neato winding downhills and goes up and around through downtown. i believe it is the longest running ride in san antonio, which i am not sure if that refers to the amount of time it has been going on or the distance traveled. either way, it is a nice ride and i look forward to it all the time. so, 7:30 comes along and i'm running about 4 minutes late. i figure it will be no problem, because lately they stick around for up to 15 minutes after the supposed 7:30 start time. however, on this particular lovely evening, the parking lot was empty save for about 3 cars. it was a pretty sad way to find out that the ride is NOT rain or shine.

the next evening i bumped into one of the ride leaders; he tells me "it's an amateur ride" when asked why nobody showed up. i guess that means i am an amateur for riding the route solo. i rode up and down and all around downtown, rockin' my orange windbreaker and also happy to have adjusted my derailleur's limits. at some point i passed a bank that said it was 60 degrees out. i don't know how accurate that was...banks can't be trusted with the temperature, y'know. i do know that it was a very nice ride through the dead streets of San Antonio. the weather had everyone inside, probably scared they're gonna pick up the flu or something. for me, it just had the effect of not getting so sweaty or being so thirsty. nice.

so now the coolness is gone and we're back to the heat it seems. boo! i can't wait to go riding in the fall...when is that? january?

weekday update

it is 1:23 in the morning and i should be exhausted. instead i find myself staring at a blinking cursor, erasing a paragraph or two every so often. i've been riding around town almost every day for the past two weeks. i'm sure my legs hate me. i can't help it, though. it is nice to be out once the sun goes down and it sure beats pedaling in 100 degree weather. why do i go? i don't know. i guess i have to fill the time somehow. i've given up blogging - at least i'm pretty sure i have judging from the gazillion posts this year. i've thought about going old school...just keeping a journal or a diary or whatever you want to call it. it can be nice to get thoughts out of your head, but it's too much of a hassle to explain that thoughts are thoughts most of the time.

so i've been pedaling. wednesday nights are speedy and hilly. i tend to stay at the back, but little by little i think i am starting to move up. i'm not sure if they're slowing down or i'm speeding up, but somehow wednesdays don't feel as hard as they used to. my tail still hurts now and then from my spill, but luckily it has gotten better. i wish i could say the same for my back.

i wish fall were here.